Saturday, November 30, 2013

The messiness of my humanity...

Today I cut myself open, I allowed my heart to bleed at ease
I allowed my needs to ooze through my veins; let out the messiness of my humanity

It was more than I could handle
Too much for me to say

Not much my people could handle without a look of utter dismay 

The thing about the day
Was that I’d had enough
I was tired and weary of pretending to be tough.

The day turned into night and my persona got a grip
It picked up the rest of the pieces that I’d otherwise let slip…

My tongue got really heavy, the words I had were slurring

People looked my way at my wild eye but to be quite honest, I was way beyond caring.  

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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Today, I woke up...

As I woke from my deepest state of slumber I felt a sense of loss
Bereft, ripped from the womb of sleep, torn away from another realm
In my dreams I felt the machinations of possibility
I dwelled for a feverish few hours in a hot mess of creative alchemy
Words, shapes, form that made no sense whatsoever where suddenly swimming before my eyes in delightful patterns

I felt that I could reach out and that there would be no ceiling
No limit to the creativity that I could immerse myself in
No idea too big, too small or too ridiculous for me to try
Too soon the vacuuming suction cup of life dragged me out
Kicking and screaming silently and against my will I left my dream self
Watching her fade away with my proverbial nose pressed up against the glass
As I stretched out a weary arm, trying for all I was worth to hang on to my dream like state, I felt instead...

A cool calm realisation
A sense of peace and yet a keening sense of loss
But also a little fire that kindled a light behind my eyes

Knowing that soon I would be back again….

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The day I lost my mind, I found myself...

My mind ground to a halt today

I stopped short; the pencil that I had been scribbling with furiously refused to scratch the papers surface.

Not because I had no further ideas, in fact my mind was buzzing with them…

The difference today was that my mind had had enough

Today my mind rebelled

Throwing out all vestiges of convention

Like a hot oozy mess of sticky marshmallows, the essence of who I am came trickling out

It was a weird sensation that day that I lost control

I felt a sense of release that was not unlike an over stretched rubber band breaking free

Or even like cooked spaghetti writhing about deliciously in a vat of creamy sauce

It was a day that I had decided that like the foot that grows large, swollen and weary at the end of the day and refuses to be stuffed back into a conventional shoe...

That my mind was going to relax and take its own organic shape

Whether that meant sleeping for half a day or baking brownies until my arms hurt

I was still not sure

All I knew was that on this day

I chose freedom

On this day, I chose more….

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Voice

I modulate my voice, or so I've heard
No anger, no sorrow not even swayed by the absurd

In carefully measured tones I greet my days
No charm, no sound, no searing gaze

The sweet even temper
That means I’m never off kilter

I’ll have you know before I go…

That it is the very same seed
That’s going to make me bleed

The day will come when I will rupture the membrane
Cheer, shout out, act all insane

For the facade that I keep up is a no easy feat
It is time to come forward, it is time to meet...

The sensual longing, the smouldering presence, the person that expresses herself so passionately

The person that is unmistakably, unshakably, inimitably ME!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The lesson

The one thing that I dislike in you, strikes a chord in me...
Why is that?

That the very thing I abhor in you, resonates within my being...

Is it weakness?
Is it a flaw?
Is it strength?

When with morbid fascination I keep returning for more...

As I gaze upon your behaviour for an eternity

Fascinated…not to see you

But a reflection of me…

Laeeka Khan 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Ditch the lines and the boxes!

The teacher presided over the classroom, monitoring the hand writing of every single child in class. It was first grade and the emphasis was on neatness, holding the pencil with precision and as much as possible trying to get the little children to write with their right hands. 

Johnny in the corner of the classroom was doing battle with his pencil, slipping and smudging graphite residue on his newly starched shirt. After days of having written on lined paper, he found that today he was struggling to write in neat little lines, purely because this time, the teacher was testing them. The sheets before him were unlined. 

The teacher bent over him in frustration and reprimanded him for not being able to keep a straight line, with his writing especially since he was able to every other day in his lined workbook. 

Fast forward twenty years later to a conversation that he had with a friend of his in the campus cafeteria. Johnny’s friend idly picked up his study notebook, nestling between the two cappuccinos at the table and flicked through. It wasn’t a remarkable notebook, but what stood out was Johnny’s neat, military- precision like handwriting contained within the lines on each page. 

Johnny’s friend questioned him about his super tidy hand writing, to which Johnny recounted the episode with his teacher that was the pivotal moment that had brought him to such precise and orderly handwriting. He explained in detail how his teacher had frowned upon the fact that his scratchy scrawl filled the unlined pages at weird angles and arches totally at odds with following a linear structure like he ought to. 

Upon hearing this Johnny’s friend sighed deeply, placed a reassuring arm on his shoulder and said…
If only that teacher saw what YOU did on that day. If only your teacher saw that even at the age of five that you were streets ahead, possessing the wisdom and the foresight to be the only one in class that was being FREE in a liberated space. 

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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mood music- A review of a few of my favourite songs.

There are few things in life more beautiful and heart stopping than listening to the strains of your favourite songs. Music has the power to lift you up, elevate your mood and at the same time deliver a sucker punch to the gut robbing you of all air and leaving you emotionally on your knees and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Here are 9 of my favourites

Peter Cetera- The glory of love

In a matter of seconds I am transported to a magical time in my childhood where everything was so achingly sweet. I remember a time that I had stars in my eyes and a young girl’s dream that glowed and tightened in my chest. I would dream, fleshing out a fantasy, anticipating a time that I would meet the love of my life. Till today this piece of music has a way of lowering my defences, reducing the cynic in me to dust and elevating the soaring sense that everything is going to be okay. 

Sergio Mendes and the Black Eyed Peas- Mas que nada 
Fluidity, movement, a sense of the fact that your shoulders have dislocated and are moving of their own free will to the music. If any song sounds like joy, this is it! Translated literally the song title means ‘This is nothing’ or ‘Whatever’. If they were describing the type of involuntary action and ease of motion that your body breaks into when this song comes on, then these guys were right on the money! 

Shakespeare’s Sister- Stay   
The video concept may be old, but the epic fight between good and evil will always prevail and in no way is it more compelling and disturbing than in this video. The song captures me and holds me prisoner in its spell, if not for its somewhat hypnotic push and pull between two forces then for its powerful moments of building suspense, raising and dropping your emotions in the space of a heartbeat. 

Billy Ocean- When the going gets tough, the tough get going
An ultimate feel good song which makes me want to get out of my present day life and head back to the eighties and meet myself at the age of 9. I am reminded of the girl that I used to be, spontaneous, excited, easily moved to dancing and happiness. I am reminded that even if I feel like I’m older, wiser and worldly aware, that there are moments of happiness and sheer silliness that we should all embrace as if our heads were on fire and we badly needed water to douse its flames.

Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi

Deliberate, full of intent, determination and showing that we never give up…  If any song has a way of embodying these few feelings then Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on Prayer’ is it. I remember this song from my childhood and recall feeling pretty darn ‘super hero’ powerful whenever I listened to it.  To me this song is the ultimate expression of the eighties if only for the fact that I felt like weeping buckets when Jon Bon Jovi eventually decided to let go of his luscious locks.

Belinda Carlisle- Heaven is a place on earth
This is a strong song with a title that fits the content and the meaning of the song. I remember being super ill in hospital as a child with pneumonia, languishing in my bed, feeling ragged and incredibly sick, that is until I heard this song playing on the radio. I remember immediately feeling as if a cloud had lifted and that my world was a better place. 

Don’t you worry – Swedish House Mafia 

When it comes to this particular song I am awakened not just on a sensory level but on a cellular level. If songs were a type of hydrating liquid that trickled into the body, this would be it. This song pours into my soul leaving every last cell feeling energized and uplifted.  I had initially dismissed this piece of music as boring house music. I can never understand how or why I did this. Then came a day when I gave this song a good proper listen and my entire impression of it changed. One of the most interesting things about this song though, is that I seem to attract it into my life. If ever I am driving and thinking about this song, it somehow inevitably plays on radio. 

Carly Simon – Let the river run
If there is any song that sounds like hope rising this is it. There is a yearning, wistfulness and a sense of optimism that somehow keeps swelling and swelling, taking you higher and higher until you reach a pinnacle at the very end.  Most movie buffs will remember this from ‘The Working Girl’ as the kind of music that makes you want to raise your coffee mug in salute of all things great in the universe. 

Johnny Clegg and Savuka – Great Heart
There are certain pieces of music that deliver a kick of emotion to the gut and there can be none as more patriotically provocative than Johnny Clegg’s ‘Great Heart’ from the movie Jock of the Bushveld.  This piece of music is exciting, bold and rhythmic in the way in which it is composed a true masterpiece for anyone aching to join in on an earthy, rhythmic celebration of life.  Another favourite Clegg song of mine is none other than ‘Cruel, crazy, beautiful world’ another one that really makes you sit up and take notice, especially for the wistfulness in the message.

Enjoy my selection of favourites!

Disclaimer- Please note that the links shared in this article are in no way my intellectual property, but purely selections made off popular search results as found on the YouTube platform.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Don't finish before you've begun

Do not race toward the finish line before the start gun has even been fired

You may lose the momentum, drop the pace, and lose the game

Play today, play today’s move

Make it count

It is never too late.

Laeeka Khan 


The seeds you plant today are not just random actions.

They are tilling the soil and creating the furrows of history in the making

You may think that thought, word, action and deeds are just a drop in the ocean

Indeed it may be…

Or perhaps someday you will remember these words of mine

Drifting on the channels of eternity 

Laeeka Khan 
Image source: 

It will keep

If it is good, it will keep.

No matter the effort that you put in, no matter the time that is left out.

If a moment in time was always coming your way

It will most certainly keep...

Laeeka Khan 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The alchemy

She was sleeping with her eyes wide open
She was dreaming out loud, with words unspoken

Asking questions to whose answers she knew not
Weaving a fantasy in her mind that she had totally forgot

It was with a somnambulist’s gaze that she approached her days
Held enthralled

Flirting with her wayward ways

She was the epitome of goodness
The alchemy, the fullness

Of womanhood, of being

This was the ultimate dream

Laeeka Khan 

Image source:

It goes unsaid

They do not tell you of the heartbreak, of the worn soles of your feet and the even more world weary nature of your spirit

They did not say you would be eyeball deep in debt or ‘reserve tank’ low on love

They did not say that you would have to use your hands as shields, as tools and in some cases as weapons
To do so would have meant a life consigned to living in a shell, of emptiness, of nothing, of regret.

Laeeka Khan


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Look ahead

Never go back to gloat over successes

Never caste your gaze over your shoulder in regret

Don’t glance too admiringly and beam over how far you have come

For it is pride that causes arthritis to steal over our knees

Locking us in its embrace so tightly that it is impossible to prostrate ourselves before our creator or even move forward for that matter. 

Laeeka Khan 
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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The breeze

I was going to be calm and sedate

I was going to accept my fate

The mask had not slipped, nor was there a hair out of place

In faultless lines I had lived my days 

Remembering to look only ever forward, no hint of dismay

It was not meant to be…

Suddenly I felt the breeze in my hair


Something snapped inside of me. 

Laeeka Khan

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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Creatively desperate

I cling to my keyboard, much in the same way an artist may cling to his easel.
A DJ to his turntables, a person to a lifeboat that offers that final word in salvation
I cling with all my might to that which brings me a sense of creativity...

It is my source of light

Laeeka Khan

Image source-

Monday, May 13, 2013

No blueprint for perfection

Why quell the mind that does not sleep?
Why insist that your toddler go to sleep?
Is there a prescription written out for morning coffee, breakfasts, brunches and afternoon tea?
What good can come from being overly concerned that every last bit of dust has been picked clean off the settee?
There are no roadmaps, no blue prints, no catalogue for human living.
Deal with it now and understand that there are more than a million ways to draw a rainbow
Each one more beautiful than the next.

Laeeka Khan

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Monday, April 15, 2013

While I waited...

While I waited for a moment, the world still turned
Revolutions took place, trials were heard
Babies were born and people moved on
Tears were shed, tears were dried
Hearts softened, hearts hardened
Blood was spilled, wounds were healed
While I stood transfixed, frozen, I waited for a moment that would never come
I had the courage to go out and meet it. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

‘No woman, no cry’

When is it okay for me to cry?

When the weight of the world is on my shoulders, still I do not buckle or bend
When my mind is weary and exhausted no whimper, no cry.

No wet cheeks, no drooping eyelids, not even so much as a sigh…

Where is my humanity I ask… I wish I could say with ‘tears in my eyes’ but alas that would be a lie
How ironic it is that we come into the world wailing and flailing and live every moment…

Conditioned, shaped, moulded and sometimes scolded… told not to cry?